The Firstdays of the Year

As we press the pedals into 2012, a couple of things really lodge in my sternum: the surprise that this venture into the blogging world (though only a month along) has been for me – a very humbling gratitude to anyone and everyone who takes the time to peruse my thoughts and inspirations – and the fascinating forum it becomes as one is able to see one’s own work influencing and influenced by what so many others are doing! Yay for humans! Please, everyone – keep at what drives your hearts and minds – and thank you for doing so. Secondly, these natural contextual rituals like a calendar and a “New Year,” arbitrary as they may be, stimulate some wonderful and interesting contemplations of turnings. Year after year at the turning of years, I revisit Helene Cixous’ Firstdays of the Year, and each year it grows in its timeliness and profundity in a camaraderie of projects, of languaging, of approaching life. A quotation I have underlined in red at every reading, this year expanded to a whole page of certain significance for me, and I’d like to share it for you others out there scribbling away from your blood onto surfaces of light or papers:

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from Firstdays of the Year by Helene Cixous:

“She began like this: “The book I want to write, the one I dread writing, is the one that would begin like this: I’m going to tell you at last, and for the first time, everything I now know about the most hidden truth.”

“With these words, with the word hidden followed by the word truth, doubt spread out inside her, and just as quickly hopelessness began. She feared. With the one fear, she feared discovering, at the end of a long, cruel excavation, that there was no “hidden truth,” that there never had been.

“She (truth) was not at the beginning, there was no secret. There were only mistakes and corrections. She feared having to, in the end, lose all hope and all illusion. And those who had always affirmed truth’s impossibility would laugh at her.

“And at the same time she feared, with the other fear, discovering the truth. And seeing in the end with her own eyes her own face unmasked, to her eternal regret. Yet, she told herself, isn’t every discovery true? And everything we say is truth. And we only lie in the hope of creating a more tolerable reality. And lying is often preferable, lying can be a kindness.

“Still, Truth had always been her dream. But reaching the truth? It seems so far away. The sun hidden behind the sun…

“She had writing, she had the desire. She hadn’t the possibility.”

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Repeatedly, in reading this passage, I have scribbled along the edges: “yes! with every writing” or “yes! every book!” And indeed, with each thing I attempt to language, my instigation is always that “I’m going to tell you at last, and for the first time, everything I now know about the most hidden truth(s).” And I am wanting to again. Whether examining a photograph, recounting an experience, experimenting with languaging itself, or attempting the creation of a story or character…I am wanting to tell the most hidden things, the ones I don’t know how to say, that seem impossible to say, that seem like they must be said. And I appreciate all the rest of you who also are making the effort at depicting the “sun behind the sun,” somehow, I believe, it moves us all along. Here’s to the efforts!

Deep traces

Wanted to share a few poems from William Bronk’s collection “Death is the Place.”  Reading today included M.A.K. Halliday’s “Learning How to Mean: Explorations in the Development of Language” – I am continually fascinated by the social construction of reality and the self, and the part the structuring of language assimilation plays (literally) in it.  One thing that struck me was how the interplay of “observer” (the individual accounting for encounter and experience with not-self) and “intruder” (the individual participating in effecting not-self and being effected by through interaction) develops into growth: the apparently infinite expandability of the weaving of language-types and functions and uses with the world as we experience it, and ourselves as they are formed by our interactions with whatever is different and distinct from us.  The utter reciprocality of experience, creation and shaping between self/not-self; intrusion/reception and the like – Derrida’s differance challenges and fascinates me.  Which pressed me immediately into Bakhtin, of whom not enough can be read or said.  Beyond that I spent a number of rewarding hours in Italo Calvino’s “The Literature Machine” – always refreshing and invigorating re: the uniqueness of literary language in the scope of languagings.  Errol Morris’ “Believing is Seeing” is delightful – like a well-made documentary in language, tight, challenging and full of little surprises.  Jesse Ball’s “The Curfew” – his slightly odd universes and quirky phraseology mesmerizes me.  H.L. Hix’s work is gaining weight in my esteem…nice Ashbery-like music and reflection with tart Orr/Johnson/Stevens’ aphorisms woven throughout.  I worked on an essay about life’s requirement of unending submission (in light of more rejections of my own – probably an attempt at soothing myself) and fashioned a couple of poems on the way.  Here, from Bronk, death truly being the place always present that shows the shine on the flip-side, life, and keeps us cognizant of what almost counts for “truth.”

THE FICTION OF REAL

The false roles we play are a way to rid

ourselves of falsity and be real in a real

world as we need to be to realize

our potential.  There is where the action is

and inaction is wrong.  The need is for faith

and vision and, unless we believe, our fiction falls

and we with it, our civilization ends.

 

OF POETRY

there is only the work.

 

The work is what speaks

and what is spoken

and what attends to hear

what is spoken.

 

LOOK WHAT’S TALKING

It isn’t what we say of reality

is metaphor but reality itself

which is.  Reality as God or as

cosmos or as, more often, both at once

-whatever-reality is metaphor

not more not less and, being that,

is real as can be and not quite real:

 

always brilliantly true and less than whole.

 

FOSTERING

Ed asks me

does the poem depend

on what is said

or language saying

 

but the poems are

acts of love:

 

they depend.

 

Thank you, William Bronk

Traces

“Language is not predicated on the existence of meaning, but is an unpredictable outcome of a world that produced first fire, then birds.”                      -Ludwig Wittgenstein

“Responsible for creating Creation, for the reading veiled within reading, the word hushed amid disclosed words, for the silence, finally, of a trace disfigured by a thousand traces, the silence of the Void at the heart of radiant Totality?”  -Edmond Jabes

after Wallace Stevens & William Bronk (2 heroes)

What Is: Real

It’s the initial question, it seems to me: the Unanswerable One.

The query and experiment, the apparently necessary or natural one, the one seemingly inherent, the one for which there can be no verification or results.  No development, no progress, no advance.

It would appear that we can add to what we “know.”  We seem imminently, even outrageously capable of “belief.”  And we pass judgments accordingly – basing them on descriptions and experience.

Things like pain and harm, pleasure and enjoyment.  And on things like survival, like getting to “be.”

But the question remains, all the same.  Always here, always unsatisfied.

And we are always here, and then always gone.

But the question remains: the Unanswerable One.

No proofs exist.

-N Filbert

Deaf Beethoven

Terrible things will happen to us even as

we hold each other to hold them off even as,

elsewhere, atoms disintegrate and stars

explode and niether are they of consequence

to what really happens without we know

if it does or how, the real unmodified

and deaf to what the deaf Beethoven heard.

-William Bronk

“any problem that has an answer isn’t important enough”

-Gary Miranda-

“The only really difficult and insoluble problems are those which we cannot formulate,

because they have the difficulties of life itself as their content.”

-Franz Kafka-

December 11, 2011

It’s wet in Kansas.  Finally.

Listening to Max Richter – “Sarah’s Key” soundtrack and “Die Fremde”

My wife is home.

Ideal-ish sorts of things.

Planning to start a new longer project.

Thinking these things:

“Language arises in the life of the individual through an ongoing exchange of meanings with significant others…language is a shared meaning potential…the context plays a part in determining what we say; and what we say plays a part in determining the context”

-M.A.K. Halliday-

“Only in the stream of thought and life do words have meaning”

-Ludwig Wittgenstein-

“…in writing, one cannot say anything extraneous to writing”

-Italo Calvino-

“..we would have very little if we only had words.  What we need are the presences that words leave in dotted lines in their mysterious intervals, and that words in themselves cannot restore to life”

-Yves Bonnefoy-

“Zeno, pressed as to whether anything is at rest, replied: ‘Yes, the flying arrow rests'”

-Franz Kafka-

Good night.  And good luck.

It Begins

This very morning, in the midst of a heated discussion with my beloved spouse, my eyes (seeking some rest-place) perused the nearest bookshelf to the table.  Top shelf Proust and Beckett’s complete works.  Next shelf down the Kafka shelf.  Beneath that the Dostoevsky shelf.  Finally, bottom floor a shelf of Henry Miller.

I felt a familiar tugging, this things that happens as I walk through my house and am ever stopped long enough to actually look.  My stomach, my limbs, my fingers, my nose need or desire some particular bound and beautiful carrier of words.  Today – the resonation settled on Dostoevsky’s “Writers Diary” and Gustav Janouch’s “Conversations with Kafka” and a single-volume work of Kafka’s “Diaries.”  I never know why, but after two decades of magnetism and result, I just go with it.

These become the first things I peruse when I reach my desk, get busyness out of the way and household necessities, have cleared air and desk to get down to it, this labor of languaging.  I met an interesting energetic man earlier in the week who goes by “Sam the Writer,” another local word-lover (who also led me to WordPress and the idea of blogging) and apparently he had planted the idea of all this nonsense in my head – of rattling off my head more spontaneously that “blogging” involves.  I’d always viewed it all as a part of America’s “everyone’s a star” mentality – millions of human critters out there letting their brain brittle bubble and boil out over the planisphere of shared space.  Who needs another?

Probably no one.

But my wife had pointed out that sometimes she listens to me when she doesn’t really feel she has the strength, because she wants to and cares…and knows by the way I am talking that I need to.  Maybe blogging will help her poor soul.  So here goes the splattered, I hope dialogue, but feels an awful lot like monologue thusfar.

From Dostoevsky I stumbled right into as good a tagline as any for “blogging:”

“My situation is as uncertain as it can be.  But I shall talk to myself and for my own amusement, in the form of this diary, whatever may come of it.  What shall I talk about?  About everything that strikes me and sets me to thinking.”

“What truly shapes life, what makes it meaningful, is always taking place unnoticed before us.”

“We all know that entire trains of thought can sometimes pass through our heads in an instant, like sensations of some sort, without being translated into human language, never mind into literary language.  Your idea, even though it may be a bad one, is always more profound when it is within you, but when you put it into words it is more ridiculous and less honest.”

“constantly concerned with moments of transition, uncertain boundaries in life and between life and art.”

“All that I have seen, heard and read”

Here goes….