Me.  We are that we are, how we are, when we are, who.  

What has gurgled in me throughout this week, and made it somewhat difficult to post much, is that I ran into these burls.  Grief, change, adaptation, struggle – they all push us up against, or cause us to deny or flee from, these knots, these boundaries, these fabrications of how things ARE, how we’d wish they were, or could be.  In myself, these evidence as anxieties, fears, verges of hopelessness.  With the help of others – my children and their presentness, their being-into (ecstasy), being-out, unique ways of being-with – my therapist, and many other well-intentioned voices and persons who want good for me… I come to see that MOSTLY it’s ME and these burls, these knots, these imagined borders and boundaries in myself – MY IDEAS OF HOW IT WOULD BE NICE FOR THINGS TO BE, my ideas of my “self/ves,” my organismic survival instincts and ancestral tactics – that dislodge me, silence me, THAT I UTILIZE (choose or select) to withhold and diminish and undo my opportunities to be-in, be-with, be-out, be-for the rest of you – the world, my children, my work, my self/ves.

So I’ve been termiting around in these burls.  Wondering how do I undo habit, instinct, ancient patterns of stanching, stoppering, limiting a potential flow of the world and my surround and my relationships and my knowledge and my emotions and my beliefs and my feelings and my thoughts and my dreams and my fears and my anger and my sorrow and my regret and my terror and my joy – work WITH those facts… and begin to erode my selections and choices of UNDOING and LIMITING and FEARING and DIMINISHING and instead tear or leap off these quantitative scales of evaluation, these assessments, these CVs and criteria – and JOIN.  JOIN.  OFFER.  GIVE.  BRING.  SHOW UP.  BE.

CHOOSE – slowly, granularly, deliberately, carefully, wildly – to INVITE the world (as it is) THROUGH, and OFFER the world (as it is) THROUGH…




…and All.

I don’t even have to reflect to be able to say that Synechdoche, NY – a film by Charlie Kaufman – is my favoritest made movie of my lifetime, or even of all time for my lifetime.  And as I burrow in these burls of grinding away at the resistances, the terrors, the wishes, and the ecstasies of being a human alive, stumbling across this short lecture of his has been an invaluable gift.  I do not know how to improve on it, so I let it pass THROUGH me… to you…

“Acceptance is nothing less

than the complete transformation

of what one has believed to be one’s self

and one’s reality.”

– Cheri Huber –

13 thoughts on “You

  1. gut wrenching truth, N, appreciate the mirror reminder, we are more than what we see and often act on that limited view. great piece

  2. The river’s song: the rocks in it’s smooth mouth, the fear lumping in its warbled throat, the distractions from waterness, from seawards rush, from oblivion. What it is not, that is its name. It’s song is what it tries to evade, to avoid. We are our frictions, our aches ( what angels long for, what demons envy). We, the worn face of mountains, frosted, bitten stand regardless of pasts, burnt in sunrise and sunset, pierced by starlight. The pain of breath, the loss of in and out, limited is the beauty of the limitless, how it discovers, entangled sweetness.

  3. I’ve come to terms with my anxieties, accepting that they are part of me and not trying to conquer them. They’ve taught me positive lessons, such as limitations — which were frustrating in the beginning, but I think can open up new avenues of creativity. As an analogy: painting with two colors instead of every single hue available in the art store. Those two colors open up possibilities I hadn’t seen before. So, I’ve come to respect the limitations and try to work with them. And when things get a bit much, I do enjoy turning on some “Explosions in the Sky.” Music to get lost in and soothed by.

  4. JLA

    Great analogy re: the colors. Explosions in the Sky….ahhh. “Your Hand in Mine.”

    Love the post and changing approach to the NOW.

"A word is a bridge thrown between myself and an other - a territory shared by both" - M. Bakhtin

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