Reflecto Numero Ocho

Pt. 8: Mean What You Say What You Mean

Meaning, the torture of meaning, is the vain and interminable agreement between what there is,

on the one hand, and ordinary language, on the other – between ‘well-seeing’ and ‘well-saying.’

The agreement is such that it is not even possible to decide if it is commanded by language

or prescribed by being”

-Alain Badiou-

What makes a word is its meaning”

-V. N. Volosinov-

As a general rule – each word when used in a new context is a new word”

-J. R. Firth-

A new meaning is the equivalent of a new word

The real is only the base. But it is the base.”

-Wallace Stevens-

I am supposing that it could be inferred from the previous section that since we are implicitly unable to adequate our total experience in language, and that a direct transference of our experience in and through language is not possible; in other words, that our presentations of our experience in language are inherently ill-seen and ill-said efforts; that dipping into the language palette as a member of the human community equals an action or activity of relating rather than an accurate substantive transaction…

that it might not, in fact, matter what signs or gestures are utilized, but merely participating in the activity itself.

A skeptical view, perhaps, that, if all signs are multiplicitous (like all perceptions) – both overly general and inanely individualized – simply using language accomplishes its meaning, not what language(s) is/are used?

Another way of saying – is it possible to effectively mean something, or to translate substantively, matter, in language…communicating content instead of relations?

Common-sensically writing, we are, when speaking, utilizing billions of units of accrued and generally agreed-upon ranges of “meaning” or indications, directions, references and significations attached to these kernels of sound and expression…”words are congenitally conceptual” (Jerome Klinkowitz).

de Saussure might have signed these palettes as langue – the fund of sign-systems in parlay at any given time among certain social systems of persons – the cultural clime, professional environments, demographical contexts of semiotic webs. But accounting for the psychophysiological uniqueness of individual entities in these systems results in a furthering texture of usages, an explosive ganglia of intentions and purposes and desires for each occasion of a gestural item or practice of signs.

Which leaves all manner of matter of languaging approximate. Every time.

If involvement in languaging at its essence is relational, the primary or ontological “meaning” of the fact of languaging is given: languaging is a human system of engagement and encounter. That means a lot already, as a purposive human activity. Beyond that, we demonstrate a need that that fundamental exhibition of relatedness have experiential-personal-specific trans-actional effect.

This is where each palate or hand operating with the ocean of signs always affects and, at its fullest, effects the language(s) utilized…

I’m tempted to say that the languaging experience, whether that experience is of language itself, or is using language to stand in or refer for some other content (feelings, ideas, messages, objects, etc) is an activity of what we “mean” by “meaning” at its core. If by “meaning” we sign something like an experience or sensation plus the rationality of awareness added to agreement, that is, gesturing some aspect of reality in to a field shared in common, therefore a capacity of understanding, a co-relation of questioning or co-mprehension of experiences, then to constantly increase our apprehension of available sign systems and continually developing our facility of utilizing (organizing, selecting and incorporating) this universe of signs seems critical and imperative.

For the function of languaging in humanity it seems crucial, given its relational reality, that although perhaps “any old sign” will arbitrarily “do,” in the fullness of possibles our closeness to well-seen/well-said satisfaction will be in proportion to each entity’s concern and acquisition of the greatest possible breadth and depth of shared sign-systems, and locating or languaging into what J.R. Firth has called “speech fellowships” – something referring to collections of humans sharing the greatest overlappings of sign-systems and contexts they generate/are generated by.

within speech fellowships a speaker is phonetically and verbally content because when he speaks to one of his fellows he is also speaking to himself. That can be the most deeply satisfying form of self-expression” (J. R. Firth)

 

“And to meet: in my sense, exceeds the power of feeling, however tender, and of bodily motions, however expert” (Samuel Beckett). This harmony that may occur between happenings and their languagings into a shared system, wrenches each inhabitant of the “speech activity” away from anonymity…provokes “meaning” I believe. As does shared feeling (or an overlap of sensory/sensational happenings among persons) or shared movements and embodiments.

This drives the urge of ill-seeing ill-saying toward better-seeing better-saying, the compulsion to recommence and recommence the attempts…extending/expanding utilization and aptitude of sounds and gestures available and seeking “fellows” with similar or overlapping apprehension of languaging-systems…to co-rrelate and co-rrespond, ask and answer toward…to relate…to “mean…”

Up with the Word(s)…continued (Pt. 7)

Part Seven:

Do we “know” what we’re talking about?

What can we (are we) know(ing) in words?

that we cannot know the essence of language (that we cannot escape language in order to view it cognitively) – know it according to the traditional concept of knowledge defined in terms of

cognition as representation – is not a defect, however, but rather an advantage through which

we are drawn forth in a distinctive realm, that realm where we, who are needed and used

to speak language, dwell as mortals.”

-Martin Heidegger-

the human engagement with language in usage engages us in our mortality; second, our relation

to language, our dwelling as mortals with(in) language, can only be thought from our

linguistic’ usage, that is, from the way we are used and engaged in usage for the speaking

of language…in other words, we must speak the relation in order to begin to think it.”

-Christopher Fynsk-

the ‘relation of relations’ (is now the relation in which language itself unfolds)

thereby our saying remains, as an answering, always relational”

-Martin Heidegger-

So what happens in our palatizing of the palette of language, our utilizing and being-used-by the fund of signs and gestures we appropriate toward communication? Do we “know” what we’re talking (writing, translating) with, through and about? If we can never quite adequate our signs to individual or universal experience, if we line and limn the threshold of entity/not-entity with this matter of language(s), ever seeking to approximate the “all” of our experience into available sounds and gestures that might be sensed and understood, but incompletely, what do we actually result with(in)?

Samuel Beckett has written that the conditions of our experiencing are the “ill-seen, ill-said,” ever striving for the “well-seen, well-said” that would stop it all, silence us, allow us to rest…completely…comprehensibly.

We are limited, finite. Our eyes perceiving always from their particular point of view, their stance in relation to the world, turning, deleting, comparing, choosing, focusing, blurring out, etc…millions of things in order to see anything at all – “ill-seen.” Our languages and vocabularies, grammars and knowledge and palates are also distinct and finite, our experience (no matter how broad or deep) an excruciatingly microscopic fraction of the happenings of the world – “ill-said.”

In seeking to express the happenings specific to us into a world specifically various and multiplicitous incalculably, we encounter an inconceivable expanse, breach, rift between our microcosm and the macrocosms of microcosms that might possibly acknowledge us, share or join with our experiences.

Given all that…for what might we hope? What content, substance, matters might be communicable? Might we “know” anything together? What is the nature of the signs?

Here, Heidegger, Fynsk, Bakhtin, Wittgenstein, Jakobsen, Halliday and their likes redirect us…joyously. They point out that what is being known in languaging are systems of relations – our very connectedness – interconnectedness – in fact, utter mutual dependence, absolute co-dependence with our world and others. In examining HOW language is used, what occurs in the actions of signing and saying, they help us see perhaps further than the apparently impossible struggle or lost battle of adequate communication.

Our own using of language(s) already immerses us in relatedness, whether it is “incommunicable,” “private” (questionable possibilities) systems of marks, movements or sounds, or efforts at comprehensive lucidity to the widest possible audience. To “make language” means as much to be “made by languages,” as an abstract painter whom we find it difficult to “understand” is still using materials and movements theoretically available to all.

In other words, in languaging, we are always already communicating –with even as we strive to communicate. There is always a prior relatedness before we seek to relate. Therefore, every ill-seen, ill-said attempt functions as both a pointing out of the enormous rift between each and all, and as the suturing that cleaves the gap.

Signs are relation, whether “successful” “comprehensible” or not. This is where, again, Derridean deconstructionist mythologizings of differance comes handily into play.

Along the vast scale of gradations of comprehensibility – each understanding, correlation, comprehension, or connection is only possible because it can be apprehended, shared, insofar as it is different, that is knowable, identifiable, recognizable, perceptible.

So whether speaking to ourselves (teasing out our worries, fears, feelings, hopes and so on) or shouting for someone to get out of the way – the miscommunications, disjunctions, incompletions, multipossibles of languaging forge us together via incomprehension.

“Ill seen, ill said” means necessary relatedness…that knowing, communicating, saying, thinking, feeling, doing at all, requires a world and others, a world of others, even to be conceivable, perceptible, possible.

Singing (even signing “poorly”) might be said to be the “relation of relations,” relations exemplar in the very rudimentary awareness that a sign does not exist except as a human utilizes it, nor a human identifiable apart from signs and gestures (even isolated, or “to-oneself”). No self occurs until we make a rift, invent a sign that might refer, imaginatively separate it enough to treat as something capable of being investigated or related to…like all things for the human.

What we “know” languaging…what is experienced languaging, then, is RELATION – an ill-seen ill-said asking and answering toward….

 

A center, aside

For those of you seeking inspiration, rest, delight…my wife Holly Suzanne has a beautiful show of art work going up this evening at Oeno Wine Bar in Wichita, KS…we will be hanging about there 6-9 PM.  Would love to see some of you!

more (irrational?) fears…no fear

Why I Fear Secret Agents

 

More examples of my so-called “irrational” fears which motivate me in daily life to semi-debilitating anxiety, overall grumpiness and cynicism, and intermittent irritable melancholia:

 

– that humans will address me at places like the grocery store or post office

– that strangers will wave, gesture or ask something of me

– that conversation will consist of small talk or reportage, weather or politics, movies or television or the like

– that people will form lines

– that people will speak to my wife, not to discuss important subjects, but to be near her

– that I will be subjected to dismal vocabularies and poor grammar in checkout lanes

– that wealthy people exude entitlement

– that people are attracted to my wife and see fit to feed their attraction on her

– that drivers, pedestrians, etc., are not paying sufficient attention to their surround to avoid inconveniencing one another

– that I will be forced to wait on people rather than things

– that strangers will feign friendliness or personability

– that people are lonely

– that people will talk even when they don’t know what they’re talking about

– facile, banal, pretentious, crass, or just-to-fill-silence sounds or speech

– poor music at public places

– strangers that look at other people

– that people will look lustfully at my wife

– that mean, arrogant or afraid people will hurt my children

etc… etc…

 

These things come up because my wife’s line of work involves events and occasions that thrust us into the company of unknown persons. Also there are children’s school events, and the family’s penchants for going to public places – restaurants, stores, parks, etc. And then the unavoidable (in our situation) necessities of garner food, gas, books, medicines, etc.

Each go-round, dinner out, art opening, bowling adventure, doctor’s visit and the like spawn this grimaced panic and negativity/cynicism/paranoiac expecting-the-worst in me which truly annoys and bothers my wife, interfering with her own process of attempting to enjoy or at least “make the best of” apparently unavoidable situations that arise – in her opinion they offer possibilities as positive as they might be negative – and rely on, at least to some extent, our own outlook and will, agency and action, for resultant experience.

It is this “some extent” I would like to address.

But firstly – expecting the worst allows for a sense of relief and even gratitude when the occasions are not so grueling, involve no meddlesome characters or inane chatterboxes, process people smoothly and peaceably and so on. Given what I have observed, endured in life (including my own self), public appearance without some impingement of others is quite rare, so bracing oneself offers an opportunity to be surprised.

At first I thought perhaps I was neurotic, paranoid of the outside world to an abnormal degree, frightened unnecessarily by elements seemingly beyond my control (knowing that even my heartbeat and breathing feels only nominally up to me) – that I had an overdeveloped or trauma-induced phobia of the unknown, of change and such things implicit in our world.

But this is not the case. I love extremes and discoveries – fantastics in geography, weather, even cultures and climates. I delight in new music, literature, arts and aspects of the natural world. Even exotic or unexpected animals don’t frighten me too much. No, it is only ever circumstances in which there is the possibility of encountering humans (unknown, or sometimes even positively known) at a personal level that wig the bejeezus out of me and deliver me psychophysiologically to panics, dis-ease and serious discomfort.

The only natural element I fear similarly is the prospect of my own death or suffering and cessation of my loved ones.

 

So what I fear, really, is the company or vicinity of unknown beings with agency. The “some extent” my own strength, choice and abilities amount to in a room- or theater- or store- or park-ful of human persons feels/seems/appears tremendously miniscule to me: if we all count as ONE entity of volition and instinct in any given setting – my personal power of self-protection always amounts to an extremely small fraction (1/200 – grocery store?, 1/400 – zoo?, 1/300 – library?, 1/infinity on a walk or bicycle ride?, 1/100 at an art opening or museum, 1/20th at a café and so on)

Bad odds for safekeeping.

Any one of those “others” speaking, looking, acting offensively, invasively, accostingly, uncouthly, disrespectfully, outgoingly, personably and so forth (according to my own standards which I have no right to project onto another, but which are similar to the “Golden Rule” – mine being “I’ll pretend you do not exist if you’ll pretend I do not exist” or “I’ll stay out of your space/sound/business – you stay out of mine”, tending to necessary transactions only – which rarely require speech or contact in these days of automation – thank you technology!) levels the limits of my “personal agency” by half. Add another person and I’m at 33% power and so on, incrementally I am laid into the arbitrary hands, minds, eyes, mouths and minds of insurmountable odds the moment I step out of my door.

Hence I have affinity for places like caves and Montana, Wyoming, Kansas’ Great Plains, my house – any places population statistics give 1:25 miles or more. And travel is usually okay – tend to be moving too quickly to be personally accosted, possibly imposed, or at least there is the available motion – to move away.

I don’t trust humans. Judging from myself and those closest to me – we are veritable paradoxes of mixed wants, feelings, perspectives and desires, concatenations of all manner of possibilities with very little apparent say in the matter or manner of our instincts and cross-purposing wills.

I.e. my fears seem reasonable enough. And have gotten me halfway through my life relatively healthy and calm. I’ll stay on guard, avoid what I can, and try to survive another forty years of relative disquiet.

 

N Filbert 2012

 

and Part Six….palatable

Part the Sixth: A Palette of Words on Your Palate

Your lips and tongue and oral cavity, in the manner of your fingerprints, pronounce consonants and vowels like no other body. In most cases this is noticeable only to machines and highly trained specialists, but physiologically speaking, your speech has a distinct personality, in the manner of what some would call your psyche or soul.

Your make-up is distinctive, by-and-large very similar to every other human being. This is one of the reasons you are able to understand others – recognize humans, their gestures, expressions, actions and sounds. They partake in voluminous similarities to your own. Still, a far cry from “identically.”

In fact, from one day to the next, even one hour, you yourself are not identical to yourself, body or otherwise. So how do we keep track of who’s who, where, when, etc? We use signs and labels for things and concepts…symbols that can stand for things and adjust to things while they change and flow.

 

The socio-linguistic faction of semioticians view human consciousness, personality, individuality something like this:

Your physiological composition and arrangement, however similar it may be to other human beings, is still unique. Individuality refers to this aspect: indeed, you are a discreet example/entity of the species.

This plays a very important part in your acquisition or formation/development of personhood. As the other entities immersed in the systems (polysystemic – gender, race, nationality, education, economics, etc.) incorporate you into these systems by means (primarily, or most directly) of more overlapping systems of signs and gestures, your individualized entity adapts these uniquely – fitting yourself into the systems, learning to use existent systems (ideologies) in your particular, but enmeshed way.

This interplay of inner distinctiveness and outer systems of interrelated elements = your flexible and evolving personality.

You are granted, accorded a place in the systems – counted as a person, even as you adapt and acquire roles and behaviors in the systems you engage – becoming a “person.”

The chicken and the egg are synchronic. You can’t have one without the other.

Languages are those threading elements you affect and alter even as they effect and shape you. “Psyche,” “personality” does not exist separately from these systems. In other words, you could not recognize yourself, think, have awareness, in a void or in total isolation (even “isolation” as a word doesn’t make any sense without “others” or “else” to be enabled by – isolated from). You are you by virtue of your physiological uniqueness and capacities immersed in systems of anythings not-you.

Sign-systems, languages, general as they may be, are the medium whereby your personality (formed with those systems) and all that you are not, encounter and engage, take shape, “become” in what we call a “conscious” matter.

Crux? Your palate and brain, organs and anatomy are things (particular objects), your interrelational existence (roles, personality, style, etc.) are not, that is, not extractable realities, but are however you ideology (idea-words) the flow of your individuality and everything else or other-passing-by at all moments.

Fluid, flexible, and always, we chicken-and-egg-and-chicken our “selves” and the “world” linguistically.

Languages our floating, loaded systems of communication (self-to-self, self-to-other, other-to-self) we select from and individualize with each application, while keeping us immersed and enmeshed with itself and its social and organic forming and flow. Palate-to-palette-to-palate it goes…

Your palate, aswim in the world-palette, dabbles in and mixes the palette, further coloring and staining your palate, and so on…or so my palette palatates it…

 

one is necessary, one is a piece of fatefulness,

one belongs to the whole, one is in the whole”

-Friedrich Nietzsche-

Language and personality partake of both nature and nurture

and are the expression of both”

-J.R. Firth-

Ongoing Reflections

The Mighty Rio Grande

 

I’ve had death on my mind lately. My death in particular. How dearly I dread it! How vehemently I don’t want living to cease, no matter what it brings or doesn’t. How I still smoke like something already burned out and useless, just smoldering here.

Last week I even put together a soundtrack for my passing. A collection of what my wife calls “ambient post-rock” musics – guitar laden swoons and murmurs with occasional peaks of magnitude and power but overall repetitive thrumming drives. Steady, soothing, gradual.

It scares me to think of it, my body wrestling against death’s dark-clawing clutches, like spasming farm-fowl jerking to rip tears in the black-out cloth. I imagine breath-taking pain, searing irrationality and panic, what oxygen in the body must cause when one is drowning. Not wanting to go down. To call it quits. To stop.

Most consider my anxieties irrational self-torments. That I stimulate and tickle them by obsession, where in fact there is no real immediate threat. I know no other way, it seems obvious and razor-sharp to me that death is eternally ubiquitous to those of us who live. Some, I’m sure, see in my grave fears an unsettled “soul,” a human ill-at-ease or dis-eased with the divine or reality or Earth Mother-Nature-All life-cycle nuances and so on, burdened with sin or guilt, impatience, desire or incompletion.

I won’t apologize or repent of it, I simply crave the going-on of “you’ll-never-know-what-will-turn-up” that living seems to me. The “indestructible possibles” in the words of Samuel Beckett (that master of going on in the bleak) in the mouth of Alain Badiou.

Be that as it may, my family’s query as to my persistence in self-destructive habits and spirals (Freud’s “death drive”?) carry their valid weight and aplomb and must be answered: I give these to my reasonable oneness with Nature physiologically, irrespective of rationale – the “balance of truth” as it were, physical/mental acquiescence to the facts.

Afterlife certainly doesn’t assuage – I’m not wanting “other” “better” or overall “change,” just to go on in a minimal state of comfort with highs and lows interspersed. Movement – it’s different enough every day.

Driving the children to school, the drama of my CD playing in the background, me hoping it might subconsciously provoke in them an atmosphere of nostalgia and hope, dream and determination, some synchrony of reflection and will to power, once the charges were dropped off I let the final tune play itself out to the puffs of a cigarette.

Ironically, the band’s moniker is “This Will Destroy You” – on a brisk hazily sunlit river road of trees and cloudless sky morning – it’s a given: these children, this love, the losses, the agonies and beauty will, indeed, be the very “this” that “will destroy” me. Every moment counts that way. The song was “The Mighty Rio Grande,” with which my most recent previous overwhelm had occurred headphone’d in a jetliner staring out the window at a receding Mexican countryside of scrub trees, poverty and violent self-sustenance.

Today as I received what would destroy me, throbbing my cranium and vibrating my belly, I glimpsed an acceptable translation of my death.

As the music grew from its insistent quiet repetition, one step at a time, toward a dropping and swelling tumultuous tremor, I believed if the succumbing fight could be transposed like these sounds, I could bear it.

The Winter trees stark with skeletal blooms thrusting up, up, out and over, I thought – this could be okay – if the excruciating pain writhed out like white enormous wings tearing out of my chest in violent struggle, then spreading into flight like umbrellas of muscling clouds…tormented joints and hobbled thighs pushing through into tenacious trunks and grasping talons of branches like a howling chorus…fierce caws of crafty crows eating their shrieks out of my throat, pecking their freedom of my skull…an explosive fire of sheer determination, perseverance rather than a smothering suffocate oppression…that might feel an adequate conclusion.

Something giving in by giving out. Jacob wrestling angels. Trees and rivers attacked by and become great storms…Okay.

When the time comes, if it floods the Mighty Rio Grande.

N Filbert 2012

(click on title to hear wondrous song)

Word(s) Up : Part Five

Part 5: “Full of you’ll never know what will turn up”

I take it for granted that every one of us is all of the time making. Making dreams and reality, sense and sensation, monologue/dialogue/multilogue, doubts and knowledge, perception and experience. To live is to make a living, blood cells and amino acids, proteins and carbon dioxide, hormones and synapses.

We live and we say so. Whether fundamentally by motion and the occupation of space, or humanly by gestures and communications. Ever refining our capacities, both biologically and technically, we attempt, invent, create and construct our way along. Language, in its many forms is a principal way we make and are made.

Living or anything-ing implies movement implies change implies flexibility. Language is no exception to this implied principle. Malleability and flexibility – RELATIVITY – is at the core of living and living language. This is why I prefer talking of human activities and behaviors in active tenses…languaging, marrying, being, loving, and the like – is is what it is as it is is-ing.

RELATIVITY is a helpful idea-term for another powerful reason. It implies RELATION. Relations between all things as they are (are-ing). We skein language into the midst of this as a stretchable porous border, like air molecules or water, identifying and allowing difference and movement at all moments.

This is a splendour, a method and means, matter and medium by which we relate, flexibly, comprehensibly – to ourselves, to one another, to world.

Is it?

Because all that’s alive is making and moving, all is “full of you’ll never know what will turn up.” Language not only assigns the full, the you, the what and turning up, but is itself “full of you’ll never know what will turn up,” a relational medium and a matter we’re in relation with!

Pushing a bus while you’re driving it.

Stammer, stutter, flow, overflow.

It marks, misses the mark and overshoots the mark all at once.

This is why ontological thinkers like philosophers and poets believe language is wedded to human being as to be inseparable. Like our physiognomy, it’s a being we cannot investigate or relate to without it. We’re unable to separate from being to examine being. Unable to assess language without using language and being used thereby.

Shrug.

So those of us entranced by such apparently impossible conundrums do it anyway. Scientists and priests, philosophers and fantasiers – we anatomize ourselves and feign beyonds; microscopic particles and telescopic generalities,

it becomes a form of very sophisticated childs-play, a gravely serious and frivolous game, not unlike going on living which is the same thing as dying.

Granted – it’s fantastic – and impossible – what drives us? See – you never know what will turn up – and any direction you head (as a human) will be paved with language while you’re laying its bricks.

Astonishing! Astounding!

Helpless! Hopeless!

Like living toward death?

It’s what we do. Let’s call it “keeping up with relativity,” or “languaging” or living,

any one will do

reflections, remarks…word-press – Feb 18, 2012

listening to “in the stream” by S. Carey)

those rarities, Kansas expressing itself moistly, greyly, gently, 45 degrees

swinging on porch, watching children fill up papers with marks, pictures, “pictographs,” symbols, words and letters

watching wife seek “just the right terms” (le mot juste) to represent her vision and beliefs regarding human possibilities and health for a webpage for her therapeutic practice

reading Merwin, Laura (Riding) Jackson, Charles Bernstein, Colson Whitehead, Jerome Klinkowitz in stolen moments throughout the day in order to continue a pondering, a willingness, an open stance toward the world and the persons populating it with perspectives and politics

wondering nostalgically, tenderly, familiarly through the mental stacks – spines like Dostoevsky and Sterne, Balzac and Bakhtin, Kafka, Pessoa, Jabes, Cixous, on, on, on…

how very many words have pressed through, been impressed and imprinted…how much has pressed through words…

a cursory glance at wordpress stats today – hundreds of thousands of blogs of signs upon signs upon signs of human upon human    upon human, pressing words out, in – words pressing them…

Beckett and Blanchot’s concept of exigency, that we have a meaningless compulsion to say, resonates…

Laura and Schuyler Jackson’s magnum opus (“Rational Meaning”), a lifetime of work, situated on two lifetimes ponderings of human engagement with language, that, indeed there must be meaning to it for the human and out terms…resonates

that we go on saying… and on… saying… and on… saying… and on…

seems particularly potent and precious to me today

Thank you to everyone pressing and being pressed by – word(s)!!

Thinking it through….or trying

Fiction as Forms of Response as Fiction

…someone has been through an experience, now they are looking for the story of their experience…

you can’t live with an experience that remains without a story”

-Max Frisch-

We want to have a reason for feeling this way or that – for feeling bad or for feeling good.

We are never satisfied merely to state the fact we feel this way or that :

we admit this fact only – become conscious of it only – when we have furnished

some kind of motivation”

-Friedrich Nietzsche-

the error of imaginary causes”

Sees. Hears. Smells. Tastes. Feels.

Attracts/contracts. Reaches out/recoils.

Pleasure. Pain. Good. Bad. Happy. Hurt.

Satisfaction. Need. Preference. Proclivity. Desire.

someone has been through an experience”

Simple facts: experience: a living organism encountering its environment and its individuality, i.e. its entity withing environment.

now they are looking for a story for their experience…”

that is the story, as far as we know.

Feels. Tastes. Sees. Hears. Smells.

Experiences.

Attracts/retracts; Expands/recoils; moves/stays stationary.

Responds.

Then begins interpretation (the application of imagination to experience):

Pleasure. Pain. Happy. Hurt. Gain. Loss. Excite. Fear. Satisfaction. Need.

Storying. Signing. Duplicitous. “Meaning”: referencing anything outside of experience to occurring experience: compare. contrast. similar. different. preference. proclivity. desire.

Can we live without the stories? Delusions? Imagination – constructions?

Only experience our lives as they occur?

you can’t live with an experience that remains without a story”

Is that so?

Furthest Remove: that of the question mark – shorthand for infinity.

How quickly inquisitiveness. The infant. Satisfaction. Need.

The gaze, the fuzzy ear pricked, the sniffing, the tongue suck and wail, the grasping arms: ?

now it is looking for the story of its experience”

A fore and an aft. A this and that. A me and not-me. A feeling and a countering feeling. An imagination. Illusion. Additive.

? = infinity = desire.

In the behavior, in the almost-thought, in the instincts…

Complexly constructed to image-in to experience, alternate experiences.

Metaphor. Meaning. Combine and extract. Wish. Desire.

Preference. Proclivity. ?

Proliferation of experience

When activation of the questioning (quest-ing) ceases, the organism dies.

? = possibility. Potential. Infinity.

Why is it so “difficult” to stop at experience and rather to move on to “experiment”? To weave and unwind. Knot and sever.

one senses…

as one improvises on the piano”

after Wallace Stevens

not only do we perceive what we are prepared to perceive,

but we perceive what we want to perceive

our senses carry with them the double ballast

of our preconceptions (imagine!) and our desires (wish)

after F. Gonzalez-Crussi

when someone says ‘I stand there perceiving,’ for there read forming,

that is, ‘I stand forming perceiving’…all there’s are forming

after Madeline Gins

Why? = ? = infinity = abyss = void.

Experience = there is + ?

(when again occurs)

Sees. Hears. Smells. Tastes. Feels. again (imagination begun)

Same. Different. (imagination begun)

Reference rather than new now (imagination begun)

Story construction. Illusion. Apparently infinite desire.

There is “and” (imaginative construction – addition/subtraction)

there is “again” (invention connection – illusion? – difference/similarity – story begun)

Organism experiences…questions…desires…goes on”

(as opposed to? “reality”? = experience – experience – experience – experience –

like the single-cell’d?)

Just so we’re clear on that, once perception engaged…we’re experimenting, imagining a story.

Repetitive exercise

In Passing

notes to the soundtrack for my final disappearance

  1. This is how we emerge                                            Concrescence by Caspian

                  beginning rhythm and reference

                  repetition and development of variations

                 slowly, gently

                 steady structures, establishing chords, core melodies

                 nostalgia for simplicity, grace of being

                 opening…up….toward, into

  1. This is how we make              Freedom Blade by This Will Destroy You / Lymbyc System

              as out from dreams, while dreaming remains

             principles, values, self inquiry

             as gradual clearings of fog

             acquiring voice, an “I”, somethings to say and to be

             slowly, gradually, reaching and dredging

            tinkering, organizing, choosing, placing

            beginning to see

           to open to feel

            Hello…I am…there is…

  1. Entering depth…                                 Epochs in Dmaj by Caspian

                 coming toward finding

                 concentration, inquiry, staying, layering, unlayering

                 passion builds this way

                empathy…moving into…world…self…other

               touching…diving…flying…swimming

               entering living

  1. Grief                                           Less by Nils Frahm

                what is singular

                 isolation

                tears

               “Less.” things, people, potentials, possibilities can be lost

                ache. desire.. wish. sorrow

                muffling pain…our inner workings…

                the stillness, the silence surround

                to remember

                to wonder and to miss. to fall or to fail or need to lie down

                to yearn from pain. to want.

               to experience less. lack.

                learning subtlety

  1. Heaving the scream              Three-Legged Workhorse by This Will Destroy You

    rage. revenge. determination. to seethe

    out of ashes…begin again

    explicitly

    Anger.

    To choose

    Obstruction. Opposition.

    To work. To pound. To continue.

    To find vocation.

    Three-Legged…to step forth with all one has…and step and step and struggle and step

    To tear away and apply…not to stop…to expand

    Insist

    To break forth. Announce. I am!

    I am, I am, I still am…

    to recede…I may be….but only

    toiling away…a way forward, surely, toiling…

    the keeping at…the consume…continue, continue

    I can’t go on…I must. go. on….through

  1. Personal Victories                                  Any Other Name by Thomas Newman

    gains. comprehensions.

    coming to respond to one’s own “I am”

    to say yes. alone. with world. in world.

    perhaps not of

    but alive

    aware one is alive

    one is

    and a world of others

    breath. grace.

    learning to say okay to one’s self, to world

  1. Happening                                        Day 1 by Explosions in the Sky

              engagement

              there is a world and it is occuring, happening

             events

              experience, experiments

              accumulation and then freedom (from and to)

              fascination, wonder

              wide-eyed…beholding

              possibility of promise…clear air

  1. Perspective                                 Over There, It’s Raining by Nils Frahm

    reflection

    a widening of borders, boundaries

    liminality of it all

    flow, spread, rest…

    far beyond one…

  1. Love                    The Only Moment We Were Alone by Explosions in the Sky

    shock of AN other

    thumps, rocks…startlement…stun

    feels like a different world

    unknowns

    disbelief

    wonder

    amaze

    …like revelation…

    pours down…trickle at first…

    more…more… (heartbeats)

    more…more…

    learning, details, fullness, expansion, sky, night, grandeur, power, ecstasy, mushrooming…breath, joining, at a jog…a joy…

    it arrives = AT ONCE! CULMINATIVE! TOGETHER!

    ENORMITY! gasp or sigh

    down…

    up…

    recede…

    return…

    elation – anguish – hope – despair

    Love.

  1. New heights, new depths…recovering…                  Epochs in Dmaj by Caspian

    left up, out, space, sky, night

    adrift, afloat

    looking around…

    still here…remains…

    vision changed, rearranged…

    world different again…

    to absorb, take in, a daze, a comfort

  1. To season                            Mighty Rio Grande by This Will Destroy You

    to have lived

    endured

    to still be standing, crawling, walking, breathing

    to build again…

    learning to live in the world, the “there are”

    and you are…one among…

    becoming part…

    years, seasons, days, people, places, works, movements,

    actions, sayings, knowings, doings, losses, gains,

    accumulate…a-mounts…a thickness to things

          nostalgia, tenderness, fullness, its dream

          presence, presents, worth, echoes, its sea

          plenty, rise, rest…

          prepare…we are not through

          heart quickens…

         construct your words, your deeds, character

         begin to GIVE

         to RECEIVE

         ………………incredible fullnesses of joy………………

         this dizzying intoxicating enormousness of world, of life

         this paradise of being: look! listen! taste touch smell!

          SEE! BE!! Oh just be!!! (PRAISE)

           and then…………..

                                         carry……….

  1. The Final New…                                     Postcard from 1952 by Explosions in the Sky

                where is this? where am I? where are we going?

                wha-?!

                let go………….

               release……….

               spread out…join…grow light

               sweetly and sweetly sing

               smile….acknowledge….thank….

on………..

upon surface of waves of cloud of sky of dream of eyes of breath of bodies and hands and hair and tongue and voice and meetings and partings and griefs and joys and haunts and words and journeys and memories and imaginations and….

and on………..

(delivery)

– so long –

(a star implodes)

  1. Reverberations Freedom Blade by This Will Destroy You / Lymbyc System