Stopping to think, or, “not finding my own words,” or, “something to uncommunicate” (Blanchot)

My Own Words

 

            Stopping to think, and using my tongue, a silent and plural speech, writing, how thinking does not stop.

There are clouds, many-layered in many motions, colluding, in sky.

I would see them, were I to face the outside.

Inside,  no difference.

Letting speech beyond.  No beyond, in part.

I had written, earlier, “so not finding my own words…”

A song was playing (is playing, NOW) in which a deep-voiced singer repeats “all thoughts are prey to some beast.”  He repeats the phrase enough times (so that it seems like more than enough) that I hear it: the phrase, his voice, drums and strings.

Earlier it was about trees and soil, beach and sea, which have no language.  I had thought perhaps I did.  “Not finding my own words,” alas.

It makes for quiet.  A banner fastened over the mouth: blood-red, pitch-black.

Begun before, though, the plural.

Taken outside by the hand.  Inside, outside – no difference.  “Not finding my own words,” as earlier.

B called it “weariness” and “infinite conversation,” requiring interruption.  Causing a silence (stubborn, sullen) and a listening (unavoidable, imposed).  Plurality.  “Not finding my own words,” I pilfer.

Dissemination.

The launch – erasing – opposite of launch.

Why I like the word “thrum” (“not finding my own words”) and “inscribe.”

Bent, crooked, stooped over a desk with a lamp of single bulb, I imagine “scribe” as “scholar.”  Inscription going both ways, like tying a knot requires both ends.  Binding.

Such physicality to the immaterial.

As easy as lying (also snatched from a spine).

Stopping to think on how thinking never ceases.

“Not finding my own words” I turn, reverting to the silent plural speech of my mouth’s hand.

I call it “writing,” not finding my own words, even for that.

N Filbert, 2012

A different sort of personal

Good day to all!

It’s a rare, propitious 48 degree morning in Kansas – thickly clouded, “chill” instead of “warm” or “mild” Spring day (comes like a gift).

I have some posts for the day, and they will follow, but am experiencing an initial gladness that I wanted to honor by saying.

Firstly, I don’t know that there is any other song I prefer to enter any day with than this:

Caspian: Epochs in Dmaj

thank you guys. (every day)

Secondly.  (more to come)

Writer Neurosis…inevitable…dose of reality…purely journaling

This morning my horrorscope advised me not to begin new projects but to complete the ones underway.  We don’t put a lot of stock in the stars in my household, but I reflected on this one for awhile…jotting the following in my journal:

Projects piling up

pages and pages in manuscript

–          all of them –

 

my work sustains

only immaterial parts of myself –

Nothing, else

 

so stacks

and stacks

and stacks

of papers filled by pens

notebooks, journals, folders full

 

a wife, seven children

a house, utilities

a car, a yard, fuel

food, shelter, clothing

activities

 

no way to insure

no bartering fodder

just thought

and effort

and art

and thousands of books read, to read

 

what are these values?

what is my “system”?

beliefs?

 

I see a photograph

–          it becomes words

I view a painting

–          becomes words

hear music and speech

–          becomes text

feel emotions, bodies

–          become language

taste food or drink

–          and write

hope, dream, surmise

–          and write

read, learn, look & listen

–          for words

“as if the language itself could take us where it will never go”

-Ron Loewinsohn-

p.s. unfortunately,  I seem inherently averse to “submission” in any form… L  alas

Circular Ekphrasis

   

Dueling Jim Dine

“My mind was going and so was my hand,” he said, and so did I.  There seemed to be some sort of automatic conduit, almost an unthinking or unconscious mechanics between what occurred in my brain and body and the gestures of my hand fisting a tool.  He called his “drawing,” I, “writing”; “scribbling,” both.

He sketched a line.

I doodled a word.

We compared combinations of marks.  I thought his propitious, he considered mine apropos.  We continued.  He smudged and scraped, texturing and smearing a darkened patch of his paper.  I scrawled smudge, erasing the ink as I wrote, leaving a bleary term, as well as “melancholy knot.”  He raised an eyebrow, squirting water on lines of ink, causing them to run and wriggle down the surface.  I likewise thought “crow’s blood,” and wrote “mood of lightless cavern,” in carefully dropped water stains.

He squinted as if he’d been challenged.  I, the I writing, watched, expectantly.  The draftsman sat down.

I roped out over my page “the knife sliced deep through parchment, carrying fire.”  He leapt to and slashed his surface staining the tear’s edges black with brilliant red and orange pastels rising off the seam.  We chuckled, he winked.

Picking up a squat bottle of indigo blue, he dashed it against an open field on his paper, creating a blotch slowly swelling in miniscule fronds.

I reacted.  Grabbing pens in both hands I charged my page and inscribed, as if in fury, fat-felt-tipped and intimately paralleled in circular lines (by turning the paper as I scrawled) “maniacal laughter sobs from grievous wound seeping rabidly throughout his grocery list, voicemail and every phrase and memo taken in, given out, as if he could not escape the inky squid-cloud, the night’s obsessed vortex, unable to feign or dart his pollution.”

Scenting blood, inveigled in duel, he savaged his canvas with cadmium shrieks, scratching and scabbing the pulp, then clouding it with sponges of charcoal and chalk, dementing the work to a state.

Scowling, he read the above.

We rested with coffee and smokes.

At this point, he challenged me to a mark-for-mark, side-by-side, making in tandem.  He moved and struck; “drak” I jotted.  He followed with a long downward arc of blue chalk while I scrivened a loosened cursive “loop of sky in gravity’d tears” also in chalk.  Jagging yellow up and across, all caps I shouted “WITH THE HEAT OF THE WIND’S BLAZE THROUGH DESERT!”

He spiraled while I “circled round the mayhem of the mill, her lilting light goes out.”  We darken and begin to fill the ground…as he shades and scumbles

I “in the apparatus of time the world dims and pops.  Stumbling gesturally through policy and poem the language drains its line.  Discovering its feeble feet it finds a lure and breaths crackle in plentiful song.  The patching powers perhaps the frame, caressing its fitful desire, soon it swoons and whispers.  The vapor twists its noise and cogitates in action worrying, tendering, arousing limpid lisps.  We vibrate and hold, tendrilling thread to conjoin.  Fastening now on swoop and dive, a sistered surround, a remoteness drawn near.  We are woven, our minds are going and so are our hands….”

for instants!

J Walters's avatarCanadian Art Junkie

The Scribbled Line Portraits of illustrator Ayaka Ito and programmer Randy Church began as a class assignment before the stunning digital photography innovation came to public attention at a Toronto FITC workshop.

The series showing shredded human bodies integrated 3D and programming for a project with a three-day deadline while the two were at the College of Imaging Arts & Sciences at Rochester Institute of Technology.

Ito and Church “put their models through the shredder” using a custom Flash drawing tool, HDR lighting, Cinema4D and Photoshop.

The project began as a class assignment and grew into a fully realized series which won an Adobe Design Achievement Award and has been featured in 3D World Magazine and Communication Arts Magazine.

A post from DesignBoom with more technical detail on the process, here.

NOTE: This is from the Art Junkie archives, 2012.

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I, for instants…renewed?

Neologism

I wish I were an I, some gathered locus of selves, remarkable.

A fullness that might be characterized, signified.

Even the assortment of lines that structure my name – hundreds of corners and swerves, crossings and redirections, don’t represent much of me.

And the little pronouns – they might direct one toward the objective subject that I am, but they’re pointing everywhere.

So I scribble, sketch, doodle and draw, adding lines upon lines, erasing, rewriting, deleting and searching thesauri and definitions…

It comes out looking like this:

or sometimes this:

signs and diagrams, theoretical possibilities, charts and patterns, fantasies, dreams

ever in search of the neologism

some necessary invented term

Writing Exorcise?

The Textures of Other

Whatever your age when reading this, I’m asking you to remember.

It’s an experiment beggaring proof.

Find a comfortable position and setting – a favorite chair and drink, your all-time essential musical accompaniment, the woods, a mountain, a porch.  Wherever it is, whatever the surround that most allows you to relax, let go, and drift.

Don’t think, exactly, just breathe and attend.  Float or lie down.  Allow your torso to lead.  Feel your legs, your shoulders, the back of your head – sense them with your mind.

Once all of you feels reprieve, you’re under no specific pressures, these moments are free and they belong to you.  You’re not dead yet, not needed anywhere, whatever pains you feel are truly part of your reality, NOW.  Close your eyes, gently.  Hear the air traveling into your nose, and quietly, slowly, exhale.

Be soft.  Be silent.  Be held.  NOW.  Notice a finger curled on a cup, an ankle or toe moving to or fro – give them a break, let them stop awhile.  Be still.  Allow your lungs, your heart, to keep time alive.

Good.  Stay.  Just be – you – sitting/lying/leaning/standing, wherever you are, hearing what you hear, touching where you touch, smelling, feeling your mouth with your tongue… rest.

Now drift: float over, stroll, swim, whatever is easiest for you, carefully, openly, gently back into your years.  Begin here or with your earliest memories…anywhere…

What are they made of?

Colors?  Sounds?  Sights?  Faces?  Places?  all of these?  Examine on, calmly.  Are they combinatory?  An edge of a counter in a childhood kitchen, your mother’s back at sink or stove, a glinting sun through a window?  The weight of your first tiny child in your lap, your forearms and fingers cradling its downy skull?  The tumult of a raft on rapids, against boulders, rush and foam?  The excited terror of walking the steps to preschool, or path to college dorm?  Your grandfather pale in coffin?

Where do you go?  What comes?  Do you still hear earth-thudding booms of ammunition?  Wails of the bleeding faces dying?  A friend’s laughter, your own, good tears?  Slaps of fists, warmth of hugs, wet of kisses?

How many bare arms caress your naked body?  Whose?  Can you smell their skin?

First mountain-view.  First foreign city.  First flown kite.  First Christmas recalled.  A sibling.  A parent.  A pet.  Be there, each where and when, touch in.

Where are they?  Can you hear voices?  Whispers?  In moments you were celebrated – does your chest still jitter?  Play favorites.  Go for good.  Relive, as it were, whatever you consider joy.

What’s it like?

What are you viewing?  What do you “feel”?  What might it “mean”?

Remember.

Stay relaxed if you can.  Walk the empty morning pasture alone.  Recall bonfires, ocean winds, swingsets, music.  Dream revisitations.

I’d love to know what you’re finding, how you are.  Take your time – these are yours.

Reach into the textures.  The moments belong.

 

Now hope.

And renew.

We get to.

 

Flustercucks – Rejects – “To Sleep”

Here is yet another duckling passed over in the hopes to be a real story – I’ve hopes its life isn’t over yet!

(click pic for larger image, title for full text)

Thank You for reading!

To sleep by Picture This / Patty

To Sleep

Reminder…

    “”I write.”  This statement is the one and only real “datum” a writer can start from.  “At this moment I am writing.”  Which is also the same as saying: “You who are reading are obliged to believe only one thing: that what you are reading is something that at some previous time someone has written; what you are reading takes place in one particular world, that of the written word.  It may be that likenesses can be established between the world of the written word and other worlds of experience, and that you will be called upon to judge upon these likenesses, but your judgment would in any case be wrong if while reading you hoped to enter into a direct relationship with the experience of worlds other than that of the written word.”  I have spoken of “worlds of experience,’ not of “levels of reality,” because within the world of the written word one can discern many levels of reality, as in any other world of experience.”

-Italo Calvino-

p.s….

“A work of literature might be defined as an operation carried out in the written language and involving several layers of reality at the same time”

“The preliminary condition of any work of literature is that the person who is writing has to invent that first character, who is the author of the work”

(further Calvino’s)

Affinities : Possessing the Wordless

The following quotations are from “Putting Down Marks (my life as a draftsman)” by Jim Dine.  Where he uses “draw” or “drawing” substitute “write” or “writing” and I find a remarkable similarity with my own experience making things…I find his work and thought quite inspiring to my own and wanted to share with you many writers/artists/thinkers…

 

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“I’ve always had a wish to put down  marks”

“My mind was going and so was my hand”

“I love building up, erasing, losing it, bringing it back, taking it away.  I trust my method of not trusting”

“He’s always so frightened of failure and of finishing, and that moves me” (of Giacometti)

“But what is really the optimal situation for me is to get my brain around what I’m trying to do.  That’s all.”

“I have a total connection between my hand and my eye – it’s just that I can’t see sometimes”

“Drawing is not an exercise.  Exercise is sitting on a stationary bicycle and going nowhere.  Drawing is being on a bicycle and taking a journey.  For me to succeed in drawing, I must go fast and arrive somewhere.  The quest is to keep the thing alive – “

“I’m interested in making a vehicle within which it is possible to feel certain things…And these emotions don’t have words.  They really don’t”

“I want to get my drawing out of my heart the way photography accesses my marginal thoughts and images”

“The state of wanting to draw something, for me, is a way to capture it and that’s a primary emotion for me.”

“I want to possess them and what better way of possessing them than to draw them.  The reason I wanted to possess them is they reminded me of other things that are wordless”

“Drawing is the medium which has been the blood of my life”

THANK YOU JIM DINE!