I am looking at my wife’s face for significance. Scrutinizing her as if MY meaning might come from there. The eyes and motion of my children, our puppies, the touching between them. I gaze, ravenously, melancholy, nostalgically, as if some sort of synching provided reason.
Observing, begging input for desired effect.
Words on a page in front of me. The sounds of the heat switching on and swishing (or swooshing) through an anatomy of ducts. Rememory. Fashioning bodied memories forward toward anticipated satisfaction of imagined desires.
Re-membering an already unknown future. As if to place it onto a pleasure/pain balance and put myself at risk for emotion. As if I am wanting to feel. Pleasure OR pain, satiation OR loss, grief or elation. Simply. To feel. And to be able to tell. To evaluate, process and produce. Perceive, procure and proceed.
Attend, assemble and assess. All componented in threes, a perspectival point of either/ors.
In other words – seeking options of experience through this-or-that, barely realizing the gargantuan disturbance of the field in which bi-polars conjoin – the third, the invested participant – “observer.”
I search her eyes – peering her into double bind by my own delimitations. Reflecting the kids play and laughter – deflecting – by framing-problems that lens my limited views of want and need.
Ravenous, melancholy, natural look of desire for pleasure and dread of pain – dualizing a multi-more intricate kaleidoscope of possible probables.
The implicit intricacies + the avoidance and/or discounting of “one’s own role” (the responsibility, culpability, of our ever-presentness we ever effort to escape) – being participatory. Being.
And what of the lens? If I expand the prism, rotate the glass – distort, blur, focus. How expansive, elastic, extensive are my tools? How effectual the how I look, the what I look for, the why?
I continue examining her face, and his and his, and his and hers. Listen for their sounds, their movements, borrowing moods from the connections I make, perceive, feel…asking now to fill out my arrival…more aware of many roles that depend on distant stories…now arising…participant…into now
as it happens, it occurs…
BE. HOME. NOW.