I told her that I would have told her, had I known.
-“Known what, exactly?” she said, “Really!?” she said.
Yes, I said, yes, I would have explained what I felt to be true – about the “interstice” – what I felt I understood, I would have said.
As usual, the sighs, the diverted glances, the “I-don’t-knows.”
It’s okay. I’m pretty used to it, not that it still doesn’t hurt, or squash some deep part of me – annihilate, erase – but familiarity breeds, and it’s not contempt, at least not for me. More like resolve, or, well, accustom, I don’t know.
Still I would have conversed about the interstice. Or its plural. No one can know what we’re talking about (in my opinion) – that’s why we talk (in my opinion). But I like to look at her. Very much. So sometimes I keep talking so that I can look at her longer.
Thus I would have explained – tried to – about the Interstice…had I known, I tell her.
-“Known what, exactly?” she asks, “Really?!”
It’s okay. I’m used to it – exasperation. It’s a sort of fatigue that settles on my interlocutors – my family, my friends, my lovers – as I triple/quadruple/unendingly (exponentially?) second-(meaningless term in this accounting)-guess whatever it is (emotion, idea, memory, event) I attempt to convey.
I don’t trust a thing as long as it’s questionable, and I’ve yet to discover something unquestionable. I like inventing titles though.
She’s looking at me – softly, sadly, gently and quiet. Sometimes she strokes my hair with her hands and lets me rest my head (the physical part) in her lap. It kind of helps. But the rest doesn’t rest.
It’s okay, for the most part, I’m used to it. It’s “me” as they say, as it were – what I’m used to. It doesn’t matter, or does in unquantifiable ways, but I keep at it. Anyway. I can’t seem to help it. Well, some things do – like vodka, sex, sleep – but only temporarily.
Things are only temporarily.
That’s the sort of idea that keeps me alive. Temporarily. And second-(exponentially)-guessing.
She’s still there. Here. Though. Hence the interstice.
I try to explain.
As if “interstice” possessed meaning – definition beyond the moment activated or utilized. As if it indicated. “Meant” – a convergence-point (limitless above and below and abroad) of conventions of time and of space – a realm that felt (seemed) shared. Held in common. Nothing is “held” – or that temporarily. It seems. I don’t know. It’s certainly questionable – is it – “certainly”?
I don’t know. Which I thought, or I think, is the entry to wisdom, but even that – I don’t know.
She’s still here. And I question – who is it? Who is still here? And what for and/or why? And where is this trembling “here”? I can wonder, after all.
-“Wonder what, exactly?” she queries.
I don’t know. I’m a human. Some odd conundrum of pieces and parts that cohere, correspond or reciprocate in hold-together activities for awhile…call it “organism,” there’s that, it would seem, but seem only, digging in it is hard to convince – a location, identity, consistency, avocation or being. It’s just so – apparently – temporarily.
Exasperating. You see? You dig? What I mean? That’s what we’re after (I think) – what it means. But what that means is uncertain, I think or surmise. We don’t know, it would seem, we’re uncertain.
Let me describe this – the interstice…