I told her that I would have told her, had I known.
-“Known what, exactly?” she said, “Really!?” she said.
Yes, I said, yes, I would have explained what I felt I understood – about the “interstice” – what I felt I understood, I would have said.
As usual, the sighs, the diverted glances, the “I-don’t-knows.”
It’s alright. I’m pretty used to it, not that it no longer hurts, or squashes some part of me, but familiarity breeds…and it’s not contempt, at least for me. More like resolve, or, well, I don’t know.
Still I would have conversed about the “interstice.” Or its plural. No one can know what we’re talking about (in my opinion) – that’s why we talk (in my opinion). But I do like to look at her. And sometimes keep talking so that I can look at her longer.
Thus I would have explained – or attempted to – about the “interstice”… had I known, I tell her.
– “Known what, exactly?” she asked, “Really!?”
It’s ok. I’m pretty used to it – exasperation. It’s a sort of fatigue that settles on my interlocutors – my family, my friends, my lovers, my children – as I triple/quadruple/undendingly (exponentially?) second (meaningless term in this context) guess whatever it is (emotion, idea, memory, event) I attempt to convey.
I find I do not trust a thing as long as it might be questioned, and I have yet to discover something unquestionable. I like inventing titles though.
She’s looking at me – softly, sadly, gently. Sometimes she strokes my hair and lets me rest my head (the physical part). It helps. But the rest doesn’t rest.
Fair enough, for the most part, I’m used to it. It’s “me” (as we are wont to say) – what I’m accustomed to. It doesn’t matter, or does in unquantifiable ways, but I keep at it. Anyway. I can’t help it. Well, some things do – vodka, sex, sleep – but only temporarily.
Things are only temporary.
That’s the sort of idea that keeps me alive. Temporarily. And second-(exponentially)-guessing.
She’s still there, here, though. Hence the interstice. I try to explain.
As if “interstice” possessed a meaning, a definition, beyond the moment I activated or utilized it. As if it indicated. Meant – convergence-point (limitless above and below and around) of time and space conventions in a realm that felt (seemed) shared. Held in common. Nothing is “held,” or only temporarily. Changed with its containment. It seems. I don’t know. It’s certainly questionable – is it, ‘certainly’?
I don’t know. Which I thought, or think, is the entry to wisdom, but even that – I don’t know.
She’s still here. And I question – Who is it? Who is still here? And what for? How? Why?
And where is the vibrating “here”? And what for, how &/or why? I can wonder.
– “Wonder what, exactly?” she inquires.
I don’t know. I’m a human. An odd conundrum of pieces and parts that correspond or reciprocate in hold-together activities for a while…call it “organism,” there’s that, it would seem, but seem only, digging in it is hard to convince or confirm – a location, identity, consistency, avocation or being. It’s just so – apparently – temporarily.
Exasperation. You see? You dig? What I mean!? That’s what we’re after (together, I think) what it means. But what that means is uncertain, I think or surmise. We don’t know, it would seem, we’re uncertain.