Alias awakens to disquiet. Comprehension out of joint. The motions, the motions, but nothing complies. He does not feel so he touches the knee of his son. Yes, he seems to be there. Words with their sayings and tellings aren’t meaning. Perhaps he hears. Feels he doesn’t have pants on, but perceivably they’re there. Goes to bathroom, masturbates, conjuring images of his love. Disconnect. He is not sure that he is here. Or where it is he is.
Not the trees, not the road, not his car. Many things are missing. Not his thoughts. Not pets, not postal service, not sky. He’s come unfastened.
The motions, the motions, he makes coffee. The motions, the motions, he showers. But did he use shampoo? Deodorize his pits? Remember the drop of cream? Are those his feet? Walking into work they all take notice. Is he bleeding? Checks his hair, his face, his clothing. Is he stinking unawares? Deactivated and decoupled, unable to correlate. He’s in his chair.
He’ll go for water. He’ll check again. He’ll look through letters, notes, to-dos, he’ll use his fingers. He seems inoperable, confused. They’re noticing. He hasn’t spoken. He puts on music. Sits again. He looks at language, hears some sounds. He’s not authorial, nothing gives direction, nothing issues commands. Disjointed and isolate.
He tries to sleep. The dreams don’t follow, the eyes don’t rest. He is confused. He is detached. He looks at pictures, attempts a memory. Everything is near and quite intangible. Everything is distant. He cannot cry. He cannot feel it. He isn’t thinking anymore. Something is unhinged.
The motions slow, the motions blur. Not conscientious. No recognize. It seems there are duties. It seems related. It seems forgotten or never begun. He’s too much there and not enough. Unavoidable and out of sorts. He cannot hide and there are others. He tries the motions, and the motions, and they’re still without sound. He can’t compute. Head in his hands on his desk. His eyes are burning. He can’t find pain, locate discomfort. No ability to take account.
He pushes objects. Cuts his palm. He walks again. The motions, the motions. There is no wind. The sun pervasive. He sees some plants. They are not there. They have not grown. He is alone and everything knows this. Dissociated. He’ll try again. What will he try? He’ll try the motions, he’ll try the motions.
Alias motions with his hand. It comes undone, it does not signal, there is no shadow. Too much shadow. He looks around. There are the others. They seem to wince, to look too much, to look away. There is no commerce. There is no passage. He sits again. He hears a sound. He thinks the hearing. He tries his luck. There is no luck. He wants to realize. Anything. Something. Perhaps. Maybe. Motions, motions, motions. He is not moving. Things are vacant.
Alias impassive. He tries to speak. No one to speak with. He works at thoughts. All misremembered. He’ll try again, he’ll try the motions, keep at the motions, the motions. All the motions he will try. He has no purpose. The motions fail. Vacuous and without intention. Was only trying, was just to see. He cannot see it. The motions fail. He moves again. Things are dissolving. Disestablished. Without relation.
He calls the dog, he has no voice. There’s no response. He is within a vast alone. He is not happy. He is not sad. He’s unaffected. He tries the motions. He tries again. After all he will stop trying. Sometime later he’ll give up, but now he tries. He tries the motions. He tries again. He is disquiet, and without end…
8 thoughts on “Alias Impassive”
Yes, good stuff!
My pleasure ♡
thanks so much
Great picture to go with this piece. Your tags say depression, melancholy but the whole time I’m reading I can’t help but wonder if this is what Alzheimer’s feels like in the beginning. The writing is relentless…that’s what makes it so good.
Thank you Jana. So much. I’ve been wondering similar things…if there’s disease, what gnaws, where…it will continue as long as I can’t figure it out, I reckon
Well Nathan… it also reads creatively like spiritual crisis which tumbles one like a stone until polished.