Laramie shoots and kills. Laramie loves and captures. Catches and release.
Riding along the ridge, singing, swearing, singing. This journey’s a long time coming.
The need to get away. For autonomy. To be self-called. To begin after all of this and that. Recall and resound. Taking stock.
He’s always been this way – a little undomesticated. A touch of untamed wild. Never finding a place. Never quite belonging.
Boundaries forged by relation and response (-ability) all forwarding to limits, cages, toward constraints or restraint he can not abide. Each vocation or program, discipline or field, replete with vocabularies and methods, praxis and behaviors misfitting to degrees he finds it hard to accept. A ‘lone wolf,’ ‘self-made man,’ a patent failure or ‘with no name.’ Renegade?
He rides. The shuffling flanks feel heavy under him, providing awareness of his own weight. Considers Alias, and thinks how both do not belong. How adamant and vehement he himself cries freedom, how Alias skinnies and wriggles past the gates.
How neither could ever be said to have ‘succeeded.’ How both (in his mind) would never have failed. How neither and both are alike. Neither and both are so different. Neither and both alive.
Rides on. Too old for all this but he’ll camp out tonight. To prove to himself that he’s old both and wild. Yet. That he aches to be tamed and untame. Yearns to belong, independently. The want for a self that is selfless. The urge for a course without banks.
Laramie wants to be world, alive. Wants to be fertile and virile, viral, untrained. Wants claimed and confessed-for, wants derided and praised.
“We’re the renegade scholars,” sometimes he would say, “learning the lingo and undoing like acid its heart.” “We master and tell of its weakness, expert novitiates in all.” “We unwind and unravel. Travel and root. We are rhizome,” he says, “drawn out from anywhere. We absorb and vituperate, ingest and expel.”
He rides, and he rides, in love with the muscling flanks. The wind tearing through hair and beard, blistering cheeks, stinging his eyes. There are tears. Laramie swallows. The sorrow and joy are one. Life and its death copulating…heaving and sweating, oily and dry to the bone. He is brittle.
Laramie is needing to stop, and he feels it. His body is singing – pain tells. Time is ripe. There’s an end. It is coming. Unrolling his pack…here it goes…