All I Have is All

this writing inspired by the National – their song “Think You Can Wait”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rx3PW1mqadA

All I Have is All (after The National: “Think You Can Wait”)

 

On the bench at the temple, he sits.  Bushel-barrel of apples and a large Igloo cooler out front of his legs.

Uncertain if he’s there or not.

Hair and clothes disheveled and dirtied, his movements:  head in hands, fingers troubling beard as eyes gaze at sky.

It’s all he has.

 

And a convoluted memory.

Her voice, near the end, shushing “today makes yet another day without perfect love; one more irreparable day.”

The old man on the bus – listening, responding: “No, perfect love lasts an eternity.”

They’ve been away from the baby way too long.

A good night gone.

 

Now this: drifting, crying, seeking some island.

He’s slipping under with a firm grasp on a devil.

The clouds send him messages, he mumbles:

“Out of my mind,” “way off the line,”

“All I have is all.”

He doesn’t sleep.

 

Handing an apple to the child, he tries.

The exits are gone.

Though harried by guards at the museum and park, he doesn’t make trouble.  Rolls his produce down alleyways, freshens his water from the public tap.

He tries.

 

The memories.

His mother: “You’ll never get better.”

Clouds: “it’s all you have is all.”

“Did I?” he murmurs, “did I?”

No street finds the child.

No door opens love.

 

Memory: her smile.

“perfect love…”

He tries.

“Think you can wait?” he says

to the nothing

and  no one.

 

 


Anthropophobia: or, the Trouble with Misanthropy

Anthropophobia: or, the Danger of Others

 

Let’s face it:  our primary threat is the Other.

Those alive and breathing, in need.

Replete with sense and emotions, desires.

Thoughts, feelings, and dreams.

Con-fused.

Instinct and culture,

Learning and language,

and bodies:

physiques requiring space,

ears, eyes, limbs and digits,

the nerve!(s) and bellies and hearts.

Brains complete with mind and will,

Choice and intent,

the capability to discern.

Sexual organs,

Breath-pollution.

 

Stealing glances –

the lechery of looking –

what they plunder to hear.

This multitude of selves and their interests,

their tumultuous clamor to survive

and their ubiquity:

disruption of personhoods and presence

leaving The Exit as the only escape.

 

Most dangerous, Other:

the contact, connection,

and ability to attach.

Insidious deception –

a paradox of similarity,

of kind –

some others so like

as to be indistinguishable,

from our selves.

I, for Instants: the writer question

I the Question; I the Answer That Does Not Satisfy

“I am both wound and knife”

E.M. Cioran

“Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river;

it is a tiger that mangles me, but I am the tiger;

it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire.”

Jorge Luis Borges

“The question inaugurates a type of relation characterized by openness and free movment; and what it must be satisfied with closes and arrests it.  The question awaits an answer, but the answer does not appease the question, and even if it puts an end to the question, it does not put an end to the waiting that is the question of the question.”

Maurice Blanchot

“all things oscillate round me, and I with them, an uncertainty unto myself.

All for me is incoherence and change.  All is mystery and all is meaning…”

Fernando Pessoa

 

I am the writer.  Am I also what is written?

Both wound and knife.

I am the husband?  What the husband does.

I am their father.  Am I also their fathering?

 

I am the writer.  Not the writer I believe I am, want to be, imagine.  Am I the writer?  What is written does not appease, does not satisfy.  I am waiting, asking, waiting in openness for possibility.  I am the answering I do not desire.

 

Am I what is written?  Partial answers.  Fragments pieced together forming questions.  I wait.  Am I the one who waits?  While writing?

 

I love.  Do I love?  I answer by loving.  I am dissatisfied by my loving – it is not what I had hoped, was waiting toward, believed possible.  I am not the lover I asked for.

 

I feel I am the open, the possibility – the questioning.  My answering closes, arrests, delimits me.  I am neither satisfied nor appeased.

 

I am the human.  Am I human?  If I answer for that I am dissatisfied, given the question, the possible replies.

 

I write I am the writer, the one writing, this phrase of the question.  Its answer never satisfies, leaves me waiting, asking again, anew.  The questions.

 

“the anarchist keeps watch within us and opposes our resignations”

E.M. Cioran

 

The Temptation to Exist

“’I am both wound and knife’ – that is our absolute, our eternity”

“the idolatry of becoming”

“blasted joys and jubilant despair”

E.M. Cioran

The Temptation to Exi(s)t

 

We’ve got our words all backwards.  Ever trapped in what we deny.  Our escape = net.

Space.  Time.

If we say it is all relative, yet act.  “Choose.”  Freedom is nothing.  The words, then, are all backwards, you see, we “mean” our opposites.

Desire.

Could cumulate as the evil.  But still – you see?  Hope for understanding, for wisdom, knowledge, some trivial insight.  Log of shipwreck: cling.

Desire.

Another enemy: “intensity.”  Synonym “passion,” carpe diem.  Opposite: freedom.

In-tense-ity.  State of inhabiting tension, clinging to stress, to invite suffering (“jubilant despair”).  Opposite: being. freedom.

A blasted joy.  (Suffering).  Opposite of freedom: want.  Making antonyms by definition: “to be.”

If we seize, choose, behave, acquire, reach, speak, move…”the idolatry of becoming” – antonym? = freedom.

Kingdom equals freedom.  Queendom.  Selfdom.  “To be”-dom.  Backwards words.  Backwords.

Opposite of intense: rest, quietude : thought and action one : in-sane.  Opposite of want, greed : poverty : possession-less, without, without within : beggar.

Freedom : opposite : control.  Self-, other-, environmental-, habitation-, security-.

Be/have : to exist is to grab, to steal, to do violence.  Being + having : system : be/have.  Opposite: freedom.

Say it backwards.  We say it backwards.

I shout “freedom” driving the blade into my throat, bloody want.  Cannot “have.”  Are (are NOT = desire to become – false worship – be/having).

Religion : human organization to be/have.  Become.  To be.  Religion as an argument for (against) existence.

Already ARE.  Before “being,” prior to “having.”  No need : freedom.  “Meaning” the opposite of what we say.

We’ve got our words backwords.

Backwards: have-been.  There it is clear.

The temptation of the system, the race or kind, was “to be” as something to have, to get, to come into, be-come…that existence was a goal, something to arrive at, achieve, seizing the days, the moments,

Synonyms: act, will, intent, purpose, do.make.say.think. to mean

Synonym: be/having

Opposite: freedom.

Existence having been from the first.

Having been = at the last.

Synonym : freedom : nothing.

 

“Over there, it is raining…”

Furthering Apologies for Rain

I’ve spent many years proclaiming, exclaiming, disputing and evangelizing my love of rain.

More intimately, for decades my journals and diaries are soaked through with ink and reflections of agonizing effort to verbalize just what it is, exactly, that the circumstance of raining represents, evokes, fulfills or actualizes in and for me.

I’ve written of fog and dusk, how they soften the edges, blur the inessential, provide a veil of connectedness and symbiosis of what is perceivable, in keeping with my sense and belief about selves, things, world.

I’ve written of smoke, the ephemerality of moments, a texturing for the fragility of what’s present.

I’ve noted how the greying of cloud, runnels and droplets heighten other colors like green, rather than glaring them out in the brightness of sun.  We filter everything – visible precipitation provides the physical opportunity of “seeing” that.

Or what is blocked and distorted (rain on glasses, windows, drops on an eye or a lash) – how choosy and minutely invested our visions are – what we choose to see, shape, create and how multitudinous what we skew, block out and deny.

Also its comfort – the blanketing, softening and quieting of snow and rain on atmosphere and mood.  Like a muting and subtlety; a gentling and slowing of a pace.  I’ve always felt I can curl up in rain, in fog, in mist and drizzle – cloaked, protected, respected, wombed.

And nourished.  How birds, soil, plants, trees, worms, flowers, sand crave and delight in the generosity and equanimity of rainfall.  How it blesses all regardless.  Helps me feel part, wholed, valuable and real.  I can stand in rain, clean in rain, play in rain, drink rain – without wealth or beauty, intelligence or strength, position or power.

What struck me today was how the pattering of rain – patterned and random, distinct while flowing together – was in perfect accord with my inner world – how my thoughts and feelings go, move, through, pool, form streams, gather, swell, evaporate.

The porosity.  The feeling that rain both permeates and respects boundaries, wets without drowning, soaks without penetrating.  Gives and gives and gives.  Inward, outward; saturate but rarely flood; joins without binding.

The list goes on.  What I find I repeat most often, having no words to explain it, is that the condition of rain (like the music of Mark Kozelek), of all the world most closely approximates my own fullest experiences or feeling of myself.

Somehow feeling that if someone “gets” the joy and glory, protection and soothing of rain, they’re a long way toward “getting” me, or me toward being known,

or at least somehow related.

Stopping to think, or, “not finding my own words,” or, “something to uncommunicate” (Blanchot)

My Own Words

 

            Stopping to think, and using my tongue, a silent and plural speech, writing, how thinking does not stop.

There are clouds, many-layered in many motions, colluding, in sky.

I would see them, were I to face the outside.

Inside,  no difference.

Letting speech beyond.  No beyond, in part.

I had written, earlier, “so not finding my own words…”

A song was playing (is playing, NOW) in which a deep-voiced singer repeats “all thoughts are prey to some beast.”  He repeats the phrase enough times (so that it seems like more than enough) that I hear it: the phrase, his voice, drums and strings.

Earlier it was about trees and soil, beach and sea, which have no language.  I had thought perhaps I did.  “Not finding my own words,” alas.

It makes for quiet.  A banner fastened over the mouth: blood-red, pitch-black.

Begun before, though, the plural.

Taken outside by the hand.  Inside, outside – no difference.  “Not finding my own words,” as earlier.

B called it “weariness” and “infinite conversation,” requiring interruption.  Causing a silence (stubborn, sullen) and a listening (unavoidable, imposed).  Plurality.  “Not finding my own words,” I pilfer.

Dissemination.

The launch – erasing – opposite of launch.

Why I like the word “thrum” (“not finding my own words”) and “inscribe.”

Bent, crooked, stooped over a desk with a lamp of single bulb, I imagine “scribe” as “scholar.”  Inscription going both ways, like tying a knot requires both ends.  Binding.

Such physicality to the immaterial.

As easy as lying (also snatched from a spine).

Stopping to think on how thinking never ceases.

“Not finding my own words” I turn, reverting to the silent plural speech of my mouth’s hand.

I call it “writing,” not finding my own words, even for that.

N Filbert, 2012

Circular Ekphrasis

   

Dueling Jim Dine

“My mind was going and so was my hand,” he said, and so did I.  There seemed to be some sort of automatic conduit, almost an unthinking or unconscious mechanics between what occurred in my brain and body and the gestures of my hand fisting a tool.  He called his “drawing,” I, “writing”; “scribbling,” both.

He sketched a line.

I doodled a word.

We compared combinations of marks.  I thought his propitious, he considered mine apropos.  We continued.  He smudged and scraped, texturing and smearing a darkened patch of his paper.  I scrawled smudge, erasing the ink as I wrote, leaving a bleary term, as well as “melancholy knot.”  He raised an eyebrow, squirting water on lines of ink, causing them to run and wriggle down the surface.  I likewise thought “crow’s blood,” and wrote “mood of lightless cavern,” in carefully dropped water stains.

He squinted as if he’d been challenged.  I, the I writing, watched, expectantly.  The draftsman sat down.

I roped out over my page “the knife sliced deep through parchment, carrying fire.”  He leapt to and slashed his surface staining the tear’s edges black with brilliant red and orange pastels rising off the seam.  We chuckled, he winked.

Picking up a squat bottle of indigo blue, he dashed it against an open field on his paper, creating a blotch slowly swelling in miniscule fronds.

I reacted.  Grabbing pens in both hands I charged my page and inscribed, as if in fury, fat-felt-tipped and intimately paralleled in circular lines (by turning the paper as I scrawled) “maniacal laughter sobs from grievous wound seeping rabidly throughout his grocery list, voicemail and every phrase and memo taken in, given out, as if he could not escape the inky squid-cloud, the night’s obsessed vortex, unable to feign or dart his pollution.”

Scenting blood, inveigled in duel, he savaged his canvas with cadmium shrieks, scratching and scabbing the pulp, then clouding it with sponges of charcoal and chalk, dementing the work to a state.

Scowling, he read the above.

We rested with coffee and smokes.

At this point, he challenged me to a mark-for-mark, side-by-side, making in tandem.  He moved and struck; “drak” I jotted.  He followed with a long downward arc of blue chalk while I scrivened a loosened cursive “loop of sky in gravity’d tears” also in chalk.  Jagging yellow up and across, all caps I shouted “WITH THE HEAT OF THE WIND’S BLAZE THROUGH DESERT!”

He spiraled while I “circled round the mayhem of the mill, her lilting light goes out.”  We darken and begin to fill the ground…as he shades and scumbles

I “in the apparatus of time the world dims and pops.  Stumbling gesturally through policy and poem the language drains its line.  Discovering its feeble feet it finds a lure and breaths crackle in plentiful song.  The patching powers perhaps the frame, caressing its fitful desire, soon it swoons and whispers.  The vapor twists its noise and cogitates in action worrying, tendering, arousing limpid lisps.  We vibrate and hold, tendrilling thread to conjoin.  Fastening now on swoop and dive, a sistered surround, a remoteness drawn near.  We are woven, our minds are going and so are our hands….”

for instants!

J Walters's avatarCanadian Art Junkie

The Scribbled Line Portraits of illustrator Ayaka Ito and programmer Randy Church began as a class assignment before the stunning digital photography innovation came to public attention at a Toronto FITC workshop.

The series showing shredded human bodies integrated 3D and programming for a project with a three-day deadline while the two were at the College of Imaging Arts & Sciences at Rochester Institute of Technology.

Ito and Church “put their models through the shredder” using a custom Flash drawing tool, HDR lighting, Cinema4D and Photoshop.

The project began as a class assignment and grew into a fully realized series which won an Adobe Design Achievement Award and has been featured in 3D World Magazine and Communication Arts Magazine.

A post from DesignBoom with more technical detail on the process, here.

NOTE: This is from the Art Junkie archives, 2012.

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I, for instants…renewed?

Neologism

I wish I were an I, some gathered locus of selves, remarkable.

A fullness that might be characterized, signified.

Even the assortment of lines that structure my name – hundreds of corners and swerves, crossings and redirections, don’t represent much of me.

And the little pronouns – they might direct one toward the objective subject that I am, but they’re pointing everywhere.

So I scribble, sketch, doodle and draw, adding lines upon lines, erasing, rewriting, deleting and searching thesauri and definitions…

It comes out looking like this:

or sometimes this:

signs and diagrams, theoretical possibilities, charts and patterns, fantasies, dreams

ever in search of the neologism

some necessary invented term

Flustercucks – Rejects – “To Sleep”

Here is yet another duckling passed over in the hopes to be a real story – I’ve hopes its life isn’t over yet!

(click pic for larger image, title for full text)

Thank You for reading!

To sleep by Picture This / Patty

To Sleep