At something of a loss, what feels like a “crossroads” except that perhaps nothing in existence is really either / or.
That was not a sentence.
Bewildered without anxiety, I approach a sort of noisy blank. A surfeited absence.
I have the amorphous sensation of being entirely undone and woven up as a satchel of my everything. Every instance of myself threads the material of an empty knapsack that is me, dangling from a stick over the shoulder of the world I inhabit.
That the bag, indeed, is empty. No objects or trinkets in that wee darkness to finger or grasp, no spirits to set free, emotions to unstopper. Nothing within to escape, not even air.
My entirety fabricated as an emptied bag.
All I’ve ever written, attempted, every action, thought, adventure or relation. All my labors, abilities, acquisitions, emotions and dreams; every word or intuition, fear or blatant risk, all ongoing consequence(s)…EVERYTHING – internal, external; past-present-future: is the skin of a being, the form and the boundary, the grafted substance of an absent individuality.
I experience this neither as a blockage, nor an impasse; no meaninglessness, purposelessness or ennui – simply a vague, obvious experience that all I am as a being is my interface with the world within and around me, idenitifiable without essence.
Responsible, shaped, recognizable and devoid of identity – no narrative or plot, character or definitive name, just an inextricably meshed passel of experiences forming a pliable veneer around a vacant hollow.
That all will carry on, as such, until its end. Experience upon experience, before experience, during and after experiences and experiments – weaving, threading, joining…this being-form, this walking thinking speaking shape, this perceptive living husk or porous shell, a wave and trajectory of experiencings.
To feign a purpose, an intention or choicy action as this reality requires some arbitrary groundwork – hypotheses and rudimentary organizational operations. What might this handbag proffer? Or emit? What song might be huffed from this void?
This is where I seem to be. Evaluate. Assess. No pillars, few givens, a smattering of beliefs and bones and hunches, a median vocabulary of gestures. From this – what pretend to build? What fabricate? I find that I want to, have desire to, create. Make out of what is woven – everything that forms me / allows me to be – but in what manner? Open. Free.
As if the absence is realized, the content in-formed, substance resulting from wafting motions and play. Capacity for invention. Something like soap bubbles – materials forming a translucent and wobbly funhouse mirror of shapes…leaking…nothing! Yet capable of popping fragments like droplets or spittle, or words.
This seems to be where I am. I know not what might emerge, but I’d like to leave some trace of the fabric experience has made of me. Scraps or ephemeral stains, artifacts.