It occurs to me.ย Occurs to me that vocation / personal / public / private / occupation / romance / family / profession are not separate elements of some proposed โselfโ I might emerge with in day-to-day interactions / responsibilities / obligations / choices, but rather tangled and woven threads of the unitary multiplicity (singular-plural) that is โmeโ, or some continuously occurring/re-curring cursive/re-cursive individuated co-construction of living human life in the world.
So that: when I compose an essay, poem, article, research, letter, note, list, diary entry, story, etcโฆI am not precisely operative as one or another individuated-circumstance of my โselfโ, but rather a that one โ individuated occurrence/happening/event โ evincing/emerging via this vehicle/form/instance in this case.
Composing a letter to my beloved today, I found โIโ was also addressing my own feeling for the circumstances of my living, perception and reflection of my beliefs and attitudes within it, and aims or desires associated with my experience.ย So I make it an โopen letterโ โ a public enunciation โ of my experience being such-that-I-am.

I love you, Hallie.
I love you in ways that are very difficult for me to express.
*
Each aspect, experience, element of my reality โ loving you/relation with you โ always seems just out of reach of conveying, communicating.ย Beyond.
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My appreciation, joy, anticipation, lust, desire, want, ache, gratitude, reception, pleasure, pain, fear, confidence, courage, adventure, dread, need, fondness, appreciation, hurt, etcโฆ all seem diminished by, or unequal to, somehow MISSED, INACCURATE to my attempts at expressing, representing, sharingโฆ
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Wishes, dreams, philosophy and poetry all live in this realm: ruled by the โwell, NOT like THAT!โย Orโฆalways followed by a โwhat I MEAN isโฆโ
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Ambiguity, inexactitude, shortcoming, outstripping, seemingly hopeless and impossible โ yet ALWAYS generating hope, desire, energy in the STRIVING and BELIEF.
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Hopes, wishes, illusions, truth, reality, dreams, love, art, religionโฆ all seem to depend on this strange commerce of energy.
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discovered negatively, or via an absence or lackโฆUtopia โ we only ever KNOW that โutopiaโ, โparadiseโ, is a sensed โlongingโ, a KNOWING-THAT-THIS-IS-NOT-IT.
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Perfection.ย If perfection is experienced (instances of ecstasy? Joy?) we appear unable to express/share/tell it!
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Utopia, perfection, hope and desire โ are each revealed by their โlackโ or โabsenceโ โ their โNOT-ISโ
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Everything โultimateโ, โperfectโ, โtotalizingโ, โwholeโ or โoutstandingโ we experience as UNIQUE, DIFFERENT, distinct and incapable of analogy or metaphor.
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UNLIKE.ย We know it negatively, according to what-it-is-not, and feel it positively โ as something unprecedented, unexpected, novel, unique.ย Anything comparable we realize โ IT IS NOT THAT.ย It is unknown, incomparable, we recognize it by it NOT being ANYthing else we have experienced โ or only partially, tangentially, and contrastively (negatively)
THIS IS NOT THAT!
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Which leaves us, then, in a realm unspeakable, unreferenceable, undrawable โ a pure IS realm.
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You, my beloved, ARE.ย And ARE the occurrence or happening, the experience of, the REALITY (signified, significant) of a realm, experience, event, relation that is EXPERIENCABLE but not EXPRESSIBLE.
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An exquisite sort of heartache for one devoted to the crafts of โexpressing the inexpressibleโ, โsaying the unsayableโ, and so on.
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Philosophy, poetry, hopes, dreams โ ALL draw their CONTENT from what we KNOW โitโ is NOT.ย Attempt to use action, behavior, language, movement, thought and speech to draft original arrangements that might allow the unspeakably unique, unsayably novel, incomparably total or inexpressibly replete โ
into the realm of expression, sayability, hint, token, trace, Reality, occurrence, activity, appearance or happeningโฆ
ย and yet it isย defiant, recalcitrant, resistant and intractable.
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You provide me a life of exertion and effort, a LIVING of ATTEMPT โ impossible possibilities โ or their interaction โ irretrievable, unrepresentable happenings and events, experiencesโฆ
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BEYONDโฆfull, total, whole Real Experiencesโฆ
โฆLOVE, HOPE, FAITH, INTIMACY, RELATION, DESIREโฆ
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NEED for a mad trust in Reality that never equals recognition, cognition, reflection or thought.ย Intransigent to language โ ever DOES NOT EQUAL,
and THAT is how we know it โ
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that it is Beyond-experience experiencing
Beyond-saying expressibility
Beyond-comparison analogy & metaphor
IN ITSELF OF ITSELF BY ITSELF
AN IS EXPERIENCE
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You ARE.
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It is amazing to/for me.ย Unsettling, novel, inexpressible, unrepeatable, impossibly in-possible,
something total, whole and real
in ways that action / language / emotion and response can never be.
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Such is my lot.ย Happily?ย Momentarily joyous, ecstatic, HOPE-fullyโฆ
so much โbetterโ than all it readily-apparently is NOT.
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And why I seek/work into poetics, philosophy, wishes and dreamsโฆwhere experiencing surpasses expressibilityโฆReality surpasses its processingโฆlove its ability to confessโฆ
I love you beyond-this.
In some other-ing language.
I am.ย Yours.
โNathanโ

p.s.ย this is also a reason that these forms (philosophy, poetry, art, dreams, etc.) often read as โnonsenseโ or irrational โ each an effort at translating totalities of experience versus โrationalโ expression or analogical/metaphorical transcriptions of experience.ย Dreams combinate Realityโฆconverge and reproduce whole happenings as โveritableโ mash-ups; philosophy and poetry ache to stretch language affordances, or mate expressibility to totalityโฆquite possibly irrational, even an impossible urge, but compulsive/erotic/desirous and humanly nature-al nonetheless.
In other words โ if you โknow what we meanโ without knowing the meaningsโฆwe are coming nearer โit.โ